Eat. Drink. Be Merry.

You’re the devil.

You know who you are.

It seems like its just one thing after another without any breaks in between. I have been striving to find peace within my life. But its a battle I will never win.

So uh… That was bullshit.

God I cannot wait to be 18. I can’t wait to leave my old life behind for something new. Forgetting all that lies within my past and creating new memories. Enlisting perhaps, maybe finding my way on a different path. Regardless, I need something new. I am so sick and tired of being put on the back burner. Compromising my own happiness for the happiness of others. I’m done. I’m finished.

2012 Reflection

After an entire Sunday evening alone, I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on my life over the past year. Broken hearted in the beginning, torn apart in the middle, and lost at the end. You see I’ve done a lot over this year. I have.. switched gyms, stopped training, started training again, went on missions to Belize, was a head chef at a banquet, had a lot of laughs, made a lot of friends, and even lost a few along the way.

Over the next few years I have a lot of decision making to do. What college to attend, am I even going to college, am I going to enlist, do I want to bum around for a few years. All I know is that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, even though I try to act like it. So many things running through my head.

I’ve trained in a lot of Martial Arts. But nothing beat the training my father gave me. The practical fighting skills that will keep me alive in any situation. Skills that make me aware of everything. Street corners turn into mugging points, and any person with hands in their pockets turn into threats. The world I see is so much different than what others see. This isn’t a bad thing maybe if I was a cop, or maybe a soldier. But I’m not. I’m a sixteen year old teenage boy who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. Having this sort of knowledge scares the shit out of me. And no one really understands why. I don’t understand why. I thought being home schooled was not normal and weird. “This is your first year at an actually high school? That’s weird!” I would think to myself as people would say that “Try carrying around the ability to take down three men without breaking a sweat. Now that’s freaking weird.”

I hear all the time “I can’t picture you being a Martial Arts instructor or a fighter, you’re to nice”. But then I ask, why do you think I do that? Why do I choose combat sports? When It comes to music, why do I choose to beat on the drums? I have had this burning rage inside of me ever since I was a child. This constant aura of anger and hatred surrounding me like flies to a carcass. With each strike on the bag or on my opponent, with each drum stroke, I release a small portion of that anger. And for a moment, I find peace within myself. For a moment everything is clear, I can breathe, like I’m on a walk on a clear winters day. That warm yet cold freshness that enters your lungs.

So over 2013 I will look to find peace. To grow wise and gain knowledge. Not abandoning my Martial Art or my drumming, but setting the drive behind it to rest. Growing out of the anger by becoming the best fighter I can be, the best musician I can be. Letting not what rips me apart become my enemy, but welcoming it, consuming it and letting it drive me down a better path.